School Fighting Policies Punish Self Defense
“Turn the other cheek.” That’s the advice most grandmother’s give their grandchildren when they learn of someone bullying them. Not my Nana. She was a feisty thing when someone messed with her family. In fact, she threatened to “jerk up and slap around” many bullies, parents, and even teachers, who she thought treated me unfairly. My grandfather is an ex-Marine who often shared his thoughts on how to properly throw a punch, and other hand-to-hand combat techniques, with his ten year-old grandson. Needless to say, my mom wasn’t too thrilled with either of their ideas on conflict resolution, probably because she was the one who often faced daycare administrators and teachers after I went rounds with the class bully.
Hit Me, I’ll Hit You Back
We’ve always taught our kids to defend themselves. We are careful to differentiate the need to respond to words, and the need to respond to physical threats or actions. And we obviously discourage them from ever being the bully themselves. I’ve told my kids that if someone hits them first, they are to hit them back, twice as hard. Now I know this doesn’t sit well with pacifists out there, but I don’t care. I’ve seen and heard too many cases of kids being bullied, harrassed and physically attacked to the point of causing life-threatening injuries, and I refuse to teach my kids to take a beating without standing up for themselves.
Zero-Tolerance in Schools
School administrators, in their infinite wisdom, have decided to punish kids equally for fighting–regardless of who instigated the fight, and who was merely defending themselves. When I was in school, administrators judged for themselves who started the fight after asking witnesses, and accounting for previous disciplinary records of those involved, etc. Sometimes they got it wrong, but most of the time the bully was the one correctly punished, and the kid who stood up for himself was sent on his way. But in the age of equal punishment any involvment in a fight usually results in a sentence of in-school suspension (or out of school suspension, in some cases). The thought of getting in trouble often overrides the natural instincts for kids to defend themselves, and they wind up taking a beating when they shouldn’t have to.
So I tell my kids to fight back, regardless of the punishment they might face at school. I will gladly take a couple days off of work to watch my kids if they are suspended for defending themselves. Much better than taking a couple days off to tend to their injuries sustained from complying with a ridiculous zero-tolerance fighting policy.
I wholeheartedly agree!
The zero tolerance policy only encourages bullies. They know they’re getting in trouble anyway, and they get the desired end result of their interaction with the 98 pound weakling.
I remember my own reaction to school rules on fighting. Hitting back was discouraged. However, justice was handed out along with a stern warning to explore alternative methods of conflict resolution. I still felt it was unfair back then, and now that I have a teenage stepson, I still feel it’s unfair.
It reminds me a little of the debate on fighting in hockey. Proponents of fighting say that it actually maintains the peace. In leagues where fighting is prohibited and strongly sanctioned, there is an increased incidence of dirty play.
I could not agree more!
If a kid fights back, they typically don’t get bullied again, where if they don’t, the bully wil come back time and time again.
“I’ve told my kids that if someone hits them first, they are to hit them back, twice as hard.”
Damn right. I’m in the same boat as you. Walking away and not standing up for yourself sets a child up for failure in the social sense. What happens when the kid is finally old enough to the real world and gets mugged/jumped walking in the street? Do you just turn your cheek? Hell no, you ball up a fist and defend yourself. I’m very pro-self-defense and when my child is old enough I’m enrolling him & her into a Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu course for kids. It teaches self defense but in a sense where it is only used as a measure of self defense.
[...] noted over at Tip Dad, our son’s school opted to punish our son for self defense while the bully that has been pinching, pushing, and punching him has received no such [...]
Couldn’t agree more, didn’t one of our greatest Presidents say walk softly and carry a big stick? If that doesn’t say “I’m going to defend myself if needed”, I don’t know what does
My son isn’t 2 yet, but I plan on teaching him to stand up for himself, giving him basic lessons if I have to. I’m all for teaching kids self-defense, as long as we also teach them when to use it.
Semper Fi
well i completely agree!As long as it’s not a Boy hitting a girl i believe if your hit then hit them back! I also believe in karma, i put up with alot of crap in school and people called me fat well i have had 2 children since and i saw 2 of the main people that callled me fat in school and well they got bit in the butt they haven’t had any children and now i’m still skinner than them! HA TAKE THAT!
I use to believe in the hitting back deal also. But I have changed over the years. There is no reason to wait to be hit first.
I teach a 3 foot zone, its your space, if anybody gets in it in a threatening manner, no need to wait until you get hit or tackled. You can back up and re-establish your zone. But if they invaded it again, its time to go.
I sympathize with school administrators. They do face a difficult situation here. However, punishing self-defense is indefensible and as cowardly as the bully him/herself. If I handled the tough situations at work by simply declaring the two sides equal I’d be laughed out of a job.
Absolutely agree!
A couple of years ago my daughter was involved in a school fight. At first, I was pretty upset when I got the call from the school. After talking with my daughter, and getting information from the other kids on the playground at the time, the true facts came out.
A kid had been bothering my daughter for a couple of days. She warned him repeatedly to leave her alone. When the kid started punching her, she tried to find a teacher, couldn’t, and so finally flattened the kid. Where were the teachers???? AROUND THE CORNER HAVING A CIGARETTE BREAK!!!
My daughters have be tought to follow the old Irish saying….”Your rights end with the tip of my nose!”
Excellent site….keep up the great work!!
My biggest issue with this is that at my kid’s school, you get suspended whether you defend yourself or not. That’s right! If another kid punches my child in the nose and my child just takes it, my child gets suspended anyway. So guess what? My kids have been told that they better defend themselves. I just don’t trust myself to keep my cool if one of my kids gets in trouble for getting beaten up!
My son was threatned by a student with a knife first thing in the morning at his school,not knowing if the kid was member of a gang or not he ignored the the threat and went on his way not saying anything as it may cause more problems.After school while waiting to get on the bus the same kid aproached him with his hands hidden in his sweat shirt.My son clocked him, as he felt he was carying a knife.He recieved a court date for assault t first by the schools police officer,who did not even ask for any whitnesses.After listening to my sons reason for punching the kid,the officer reduced the charge to disorderly conduct with a court date,stating that this action he,the officer took is protocol because when my son hit the aproaching kid he bloodied his mouth and nose.To my knowlage there was a bus full of students who whitnessed the kid my son hit go out of his way to walk into my sons path,
The thing that bothers me the most is that many states(I will not pretend to say all of them)have self defense laws. So even if the law says they can defend themselves the schools say they cant. What kind of hypocracy is this teaching our kids?
My kid brother, a freshman, punches out a sophomore who elbowed him in the face. They both receive a suspension. This is the true meaning of socialism. The degenerates in society are rewarded, while the kids with hearts of gold and wills of iron are left in the dust.
Zero Tolerance is to public schools as gun control is to us adults. I agree that ZT actually exacerbates the bullying problem. Gun control, like ZT, only encourages criminals because they feel more empowered if their victim is unarmed.
I totally agree!!! My son was just suspended 3 days for fighting. Another student was telling him to stop talking. Although the teacher had given the class permission to talk to other classmates about the assignment they were working on, this particular student wanted my son to stop talking. My son was sitting behind this student, and the student finally told him to “shut up”. He then told the student to be quiet. The student backhanded him in the mouth, and because he hit back, my son was suspended along with the other student. This zero-tolerance policy is ridiculous!! We as parents/guardians need to take a stand. Our voices need to be heard!! Any ideas or suggestions? My husband and I have already spoken with the counselor, the principal, and the superintendent. Of course that got us nowhere.
i agree at my school even if you dont start the fight you get arrested and may face court which will ruin your future
I am awesome but back to the point i am doing research on this thanks for the ideas
my dad always taught me to fight back in school but to never start fights. i waz pushed (hard) in school….so i pushed harder…..we wrestled around for a couple secounds and waz broken up. we both got out of school suspension…..and also i got a 417.50 fine for fighting in school…and i did not start the fight!! ive never had a beef with this kid and barly know him…..my dad was proud of me but very angry at how the pressed charges on me….it is automatic at my school…if u fight…u pay a fine
First, let me say I’m a teacher. Second, let me say I have taught my son the same lesson - don’t start a fight, but don’t be a punching bag either. Be sure if you are hit you give at least as good as you get…we send him to karate and self defense classes and started when he was 5. In defense of schools - they are caught in the grip of an overly litigious society. If we try and decide who started it I can guarantee the person suspended will sue the school. It is easier and cheaper (but not necessarily right) to simply suspend anyone fighting. In my school they expel students who fight! You’d think that something as serious as expulsion would include a reasonable investigation.
I am a 13 year old student and I think that the rules on fighting are extremely stupid. My dad is a teacher and he agrees that if I get in trouble for fighting back I won’t be in trouble at home. He also said if I get in trouble for fighting a kid outside of school and the school tries to suspend me he’ll get his lawyer on the phone with the principal. I think all parents should do the same. Suspension for fighting outside of school is a waste of time for the principal and the student. I also hurts their educational standard.
Parents, a way that might help your kid out of suspension is to get your lawyer on the phone. My father said the schools become suckers when the parents actually step in.
correct, but the funny thing is, they told me and my parents directly to their face that it waznt me who started the fight. it doesnt matter….the charges pressed against me were “fighting in school” how are you supposed to plead innocent? u can’t. the believe if you get a teacher..then its ok..i never suspected this kid to do anything! i believe it is just a way for them to make money on kids and call it “teaching them a lesson” especially when i can almost garantee that the other kid had his fine paid by his mom and dad…im still paying mine off!!!
I am so glad to hear other parents finally saying what needs to be said. Schools are supposed to prepare our kids for the real world. The laws in most states allow for reasonable use of force. The hypocracy in our society is mind boggling. I am a Martial Arts Instructor and my 5 yr old started classes the week he turned 5. If everyone learned to properly defend themselves…. punks, criminals, bullies and outright skumbags wouldnt have such an easy time. When we stop tolerating crime then we can start getting rid of it. We have to teach our children to obey the law but to stand up for themselves and allow NOBODY to take their rights away from them.